Haikus of BPD

Two people, one brain.
Different personalities.
But, which one is me?

One side says one thing,
the other side, another.
But, which is the truth.

I’m losing myself.
I’m no longer in control.
And I’m too far gone.

She (a follow up to “He”)

Changes are happening
confusing, and difficult changes.
Even though life feels like a swirling mess
We’ll keep each other together.
I’ll protect her, as she protects me.
The heart isn’t dying,
love isn’t fleeing
Just cocooned, and metamorphosing
into something stronger.
In the process, we will teach each other
things we never thought possible.
The happy ending is still there
Just different from what was expected.

The Ride

Antsy, shaky, and can’t sit still.
The world spins in chaotic circles around me.
Time stands still.
The sounds. All sounding like nails on a chalk board.
Nausea, sweats, goosebumps.
Stomach churning, back aches
and fanning hair just isn’t working.

The walls stay in place as they slowly move in.
Every inhale, every exhale, brings those walls closer.
Toxic fumes in the world outside
leaving me with no point of exit.
Which means no escape and no running.
Left in torture and suffering.
Until this ride comes to a complete stop.

sonnet of what?

Not all things visible are actually there. 
Think you’re walking on glass
but really walking on air. 
think moments won’t pass
but before you know it they’re gone
so pack up your things
convince yourself you’ve said so long
try to spread your wings
fly off into the setting sun
be the hero you want to be
make it all look grand and fun
but it won’t take you long to see
things aren’t always what they seem. 

he

When the world is a swirling mess
he snaps her back to reality
and keeps her grounded. 
He protects her
usually from herself. 
He brought love and light
into a dying heart. 
He made her feel things
she never thought possible
He taught her,
that there is such thing
as a happy ending
because he is hers. 
and hopefully she will be his. 

waiting

in the dark she sits
watching as the light flashes by
swirling, twirling around her
and all she can do is wait.

in the dark she listens
never had silence been so loud
it blocks out her voice
and all she can do is wait. 

In the dark, she reads
though words aren’t really there
she sees them crystal clear
but, still, all she can do is wait. 

5

There’s nothing to see
and everything to witness.
You can look away,
you can close your eyes
but it’s still going to sting.

The world is a heavy place
but made to seem light.
You can try to walk away
but the weight will still be there
holding you down, holding you back
while making you feel free

Can you hear those sounds?
They can be so misleading
You only hear what you choose to
because once you hear the truth
it can’t be unheard
It’ll be enough to make you go deaf.

They can make you smell fear
to cover up the scent of corruption
just a flowery air freshener
that is sprayed in your face

Eat the sugar coating
taste how sweet
but beware of it’s poison

options?

A vortex of pain, anxiety, and anger,
swirling around in my head.
swimming through my veins,
like red blood cells.
How do I release it? 
Can I try bloodletting? 
Cut a vein and let it pour out? 
Screaming doesn’t seem to work. 
And neither does meditation.
It’s only a matter of time
before it destroys my brain
burns my skin
and I become just another statistic. 

if it’s not one thing, it’s another.

Laying here, staring straight up at the ceiling
body, heavy like cement. Eyes frozen like ice.
Everything fades.
Starting with white in to grey, and grey into black.
when coloring comes through again
I appear to be at my funeral.
body still cement, and eyes still ice
I feel my body being put into the ground
No complaints though,
what’s the point of complaining
if you don’t want to do anything to change it.

The end of the world.

There she lays on the off white, linoleum tiled floor
Blood streaming down her arm and onto the floor
With Pills insights she wonders
if that was the route she should have taken
She’s on enough of them,
Taking them all at once is enough to kill the largest of men.
So she gets up, grabs them, places them in her purse.
she runs
She goes to a spot by the river
that used to be her safe place. Her meditation spot.
Now, it will be her death bed.
She swallows bottle by bottle
looking out into the water and at the trees she thinks
what a wonderful place to fade away
and be forgotten.

Aside

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lacunakittie

lacunakittie

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